Wait- sorry, sorry, sorry, stop the music, sorry

What happened there? That song is just so emot- I just met that guy! Huh... Alright, I'm just gonna have to compose myself, the show must go on here. Uh.. [Clears throat]

Students, faculty, parents, grandparents, uncles that weren't invited but showed up anyway, handsome young janitors who are secretly math geniuses and the homeless guy from With Honors, my name is Andy Samberg and I am as honored to be here today as I am unqualified.

ThereÕs a storied history of incredible Class Day speakers here at Harvard: Nobel Prize laureate Mother Teresa, former U.S. president Bill Clinton and now me, the fake rap wiener songs guy.

I'm also just over the moon to be receiving an honorary degree here today, I mean never in my wildest dreams did I- whatÕs that? No degree? So what, IÕm just like, just like a professor orÉ Oh nothing? Well, then why am I here? Dean Hammonds... (yes?) You lied to me! Alright well itÕs just this crappy speech then. I flew my folks in! Here we go.

Class of 2012, you are graduating from college that means this is the first day of the last day of your life. No, thatÕs wrong. This is the last day of the first day of school. Nope thatÕs worse. This is a day.

I too turned to WebsterÕs dictionary and it defined Harvard as Òthe season for gathering crops.Ó Admittedly thatÕs actually a definition of ÔharvestÕ but it was the closest word I could find to Harvard that wasnÕt a proper noun. In the end isnÕt that what Harvard is really about though? ItÕs about planting the seeds of knowledge that eventually produce crops, A.K.A money, in order to satisfy the farmers, your parents, who pay like 45 thousand crops a year to send you to harvest so you could major in womenÕs agriculture. You see what IÕm doing.

Before I move on, the world outside of Harvard has asked me to make a quick announcement. The following majors are apparently useless as of tomorrow: history, literature, all things related to art, social studies, East Asian studies, pretty much anything that ends with studies, romance languages, and finally, folklore and mythology. CÕmon guys. Just study something useful and play World of Warcraft in your free time ok?

Anyhow all those majors are now useless unless you can somehow turn them into an iPhone app. Math and science majors you guys are cool, finally.

2012 is a great time to be graduating from college. Sure the job market is a little slow. Sure our health care and social security systems are going to evaporate in five years. Sure you will have to work until youÕre 80 to support your 110 year old parents who live forever because of nanotechnology. Sure the concept of love will soon disappear leaving us all lonely robots ready to kill our best friend for a lukewarm cup microchip soup, but that doesnÕt matter because tomorrow you graduate from harvest- from Harvard, from Harvard is where you will graduate.

IÕm sure a lot of youÕre looking up here and thinking ÒWhat makes this guy so special? What has he accomplished? He didnÕt even go to Harvard.Ó To you I say this; I didnÕt even apply to Harvard because I knew I wouldnÕt get in. Boom! Suck on that. I donÕt accept you, esteemed college. I break up first. I move on and you see me with my hot new girlfriend. SheÕs riding shotgun in my convertible Sebring - the one that Harvard was always begging me to rent to drive up the coast. IÕm just laughing and looking really fit like, ÒHave you been going to the gym?Ó ÒNope, just eating right and making positive choices.Ó

Man, I really wanted that honorary degree! Well I guess the old saying is true: never trust Dean Hammonds.

Regardless, Harvard remains iconic in our culture. One thing that sticks out of my mind is the central role this campus played in one of the most important films ever made about social connections and how we communicate. IÕm referring of course to 1986 whimsical blackface romp, Soul Man, starring C. Thomas Howell as a white student posing as an African-American in order to exploit affirmative action. He was at Harvard law in that movie and that movie exists.

Most of you donÕt know this yet, but Harvard is one of the few schools you can attend that can also eventually become your workplace nickname. ÒWhose edamame is this in the break room? Probably HarvardÕs. Whose Vespa is in my parking spot? IÕm going with HarvardÕs.Ó In fact once a graduate you can never wear your Harvard sweatshirt in public again without looking like a world-class a-hole. I honestly think the Coop should sell University of Michigan t-shirts that you can wear just to blend in once youÕre out of here. And to clarify when I say the Coop I mean your campus bookstore, and not famous film actor Bradley Cooper, whom I also refer to as the Coop, and who also sells books and sweatshirts in his free time.

Speaking of fame, Harvard has many famous alumni: Mark Zuckerburg, Bill Gates, just a few ex-students that started successful businesses after dropping out, which means if youÕre here in this crowd today and graduating youÕre destined to be a massive failure.

Sorry those are just the facts. Also a fact, Class Day is a terrible name for a day when you donÕt have to go to class, like ever again. ItÕs pretty much like calling New YearÕs Eve ÔSobriety Night.Õ ÒHey, you going out for Sobriety Night?Ó ÒYeah itÕs gonna suckÓ.

And now on a more literary note, IÕd like to read a poem by the great W.B. Yeats, which is actually pronounced "Yeets". Lot of people donÕt know that, thanks for the heads up Barney Frank. Anyways, this is a truly beautiful and poignant passage from the 1929 collection ÔThe Winding Stair and other PoemsÕ and I think itÕs especially applicable to todayÕs ceremonies. It goes like this:

This is how we do it This is how we do it ItÕs Friday night and I feel alright Hit the shore because IÕm faded Honeys in the streets say money, yeah we made it

ThereÕs more but you get it, classic "Yeets", an important poet.

While I am really excited to be here today, IÕll be honest. At 33 years of age I havenÕt endured or lived that much more than you guys so in order to give you a broader scope of whatÕs to come, I reached out and asked for some words of wisdom from some people that I thought were relevant to your experience here.

The aforementioned Mark Zuckerberg, who was a Harvard student, was kind enough to send me some remarks that I will relay to you now.

[Imitating Zuckerberg] Uh, hey guys, itÕs me Mark, or as my friend [?] calls me, Zuckleberry Finn. He thought of that! I just wanted to give a quick ÔcongratsÕ to you all but really more of a ÔcongratsÕ to me. You know since I left things have gone so good you guys. Like a six-year-oldÕs fantasy of the future good. In fact I recently completed the Harvard trifecta. Start your own company, have a movie be made about you and marry an Asian doctor. Trifecta! So everyone out there be sure to upgrade to timeline and lay off the PinocchioÕs pizza. Haha, I went to Harvard!

ThatÕs what he had to say. I also asked, for the local experience, Massachusetts native Mark Wahlberg to send over some thoughts for you guys. HereÕs what he had to say.

[Imitating Wahlberg] Hey Harvard, howÕs it going? So you guys are graduating huh? I think thatÕs great. Hey we should do a film together. What do you think? You guys are super smart right? I used a prosthetic penis at boogie nights. Just think about it. Say hi to your mother for me, okay?

He asked me to say that to you guys. Then finally I asked blockbuster superstar Nick Cage for some remarks. Now, I realize he didnÕt go to Harvard and heÕs not from Boston but he has a special connection to the place that IÕll let him explain. HereÕs what he wrote.

[Imitating Nick Cage] Good afternoon. As I write to you IÕm currently digging a tunnel into the bowels of the Widener Library. When I finally breach its mighty walls I will steal the legendary Gutenberg Bible and return it to its rightful owner, Steve Gutenberg. You know IÕve seen some weird stuff in my day. In Istanbul I saw a small child swallow a pelican whole. In the Sahara desert I saw a herd of oxen fly into a portal and disappear from our world forever. But no matter what IÕve seen thereÕs been one thing IÕve held to be true. Love is the most powerful force this universe has to offer and we should show kindness to all around us with the exception of Dean Hammonds, who is a FILTHY LIAR! And that, my friends, is the true meaning of Hanukkah. IÕd love to keep writing but now the time is come for me to ride on to my next adventure. ÓWhatÕs that?Ó you ask. Simple. IÕm going to have sex with the statue of John Harvard.

And those are my three impressions. Thank you, you guys. Late night television led me straight here. Now weÕve been paying a lot of attention to the students here today but I want to take a moment and acknowledge all the parents. In particular I want to give a shout out to all the moms in the house. Give it up. Absolutely. Absolutely. Our moms put up with so much and they ask for so little and as I look out at all the beautiful mothers here today I canÕt help but be filled with an overwhelming sense of horniness. Oh yes. YouÕre a fine crop indeed. And I likes me some older ladies, they know how to do stuff, if you know what I mean. To all the moms, open invitation, nobody gots to know about it.

Before all the dads get upset, and no disrespect, really. YouÕve got to be something special if youÕve got such fine ladies on your arms. In fact, as I look at all these strong loyal men I canÕt help but be filled with an overwhelming sense of horniness. Oh yes. I see a lot of silver foxes out there today, and Harvard isnÕt cheap. Where are my sugar daddies at? Yeah, I see you, you donÕt have to raise your hand. Open invitation gentlemen, nobody gots to know.

Now IÕd like to get a little serious. As you move forward in the world there will be obstacles but every challenge is a chance for success. You know what, IÕm sorry; I had a whole inspirational section to this prepared but now it feels so phony. So IÕm going to scrap these scripted words and just speak to you guys from the heart.

The things IÕm about to say to you arenÕt to make any friends. TheyÕre not for some cheap applause. ItÕs real talk and it comes from my soul, so listen up. Yale sucks balls! Am I right? Cheer if IÕm right! TheyÕre the worst. Yale asked me to do their Class Day speech, but I couldnÕt make it to the stage because I kept slipping in all their drool. ItÕs like a second-tier safety school in the worst city in America. IÕm kidding, New Haven is nicer nowÉthan Rwanda.

A little known fact about Yale, it was built on top of an ancient Native American toilet. Really itÕs no wonder theyÕre called the bulldogs, theyÕre a bunch of big headed inbreds with breathing problems. That comes with my apologies to any inbreds here today. DonÕt let anyone compare you to a Yalie. This all might sound harsh, but in truth Yale is basically a sewer filled with mold people, only replace the word people with stinky dried up dog turds that hate laughter and puppies. And thatÕs my heart stuff you guys, from my soul.

For some of you it might have been hard to hear but I felt it was my duty to give it to you straight. Also, quick confession, I know literally nothing about Yale. But I will say this, Dartmouth can burn in hell! Ah, Class Day. You know itÕs hard to know where life will take you from here; what adventures youÕll have, which sitcoms youÕll write for, but my advice to you is simple. Relax dude! You just finished college at Harvard. You worked so hard. Trust me; youÕre going to kill it. I went to Santa Cruz and then I transferred to film school and IÕm rich and I donÕt mean spiritually rich or any hippie crap like that. IÕm talking about racks on racks. Believe it. IÕm being a little hyperbolic to seem cool but I am up against Mother Teresa on this thing OK? Have you guys Youtubed her Class Day speech? She was like crumping and throwing bags of money into the crowd. IÕm going to take some liberties.

But in the days ahead a lot of people will tell you to trust your instincts and donÕt be afraid to take chances, and I am definitely one of those people. But I would also say this: donÕt rush into the next phase of your life whether itÕs grad school at Harvard or grad school at MIT or massively disappointing your parents by exploring your art made out of garbage thing. Whatever it is you try, make sure itÕs what you really want to do because the only person who knows what that is, is you. If all else fails just remember these beautiful words from the film Dead PoetÕs Society:

ÒNEIL! MY NEIL IS DEAD! MY BOY!Ó

Which now that IÕve said out loud did not quite drive home my point as much as I had hoped. In fact IÕm realizing that only like seven percent of what IÕve said today has been at all helpful or even passable as English, but in the end I feel IÕm only truly qualified to give you three simple tips on how to succeed in life. One, cut a hole in a box. Two, put your junk in said box. Three, make her or him open the box. And thatÕs the way you do it. Also I canÕt believe IÕm about to say this, but Dean Hammonds, I forgive you. Bygones be bygones. IÕve already got that sweet degree from Santa Cruz and film school anyway.

So thank you graduates, Godspeed, and congratulations! Play the Yeets!